The sweat begins to protrude from the pores above my brow. My hand begins to shake. The possibilities run circles through my head. The pressure is almost unbearable. But this is something I have to do. Something that once done, cannot be undone.
The decision I make now will impact my life in an almost indescribable way. It will lead to either utter elation or utter depression. The highest of highs or the lowest of lows. This decision, this moment, is the most important thing in my life right now. Do I? Don't I? Is there anyone who can offer guidance?
Forget guidance. I've gotten all the guidance I need. This is the time for me to make the choice for myself. I'm the one who will have to live with the results. I want to bear the burden on my shoulders. If it's the right decision, I want to know it was me. If it's the wrong decision...
The moment has arrived. The clock is ticking down and it's time to end this quandary. My finger almost pushes back against me as I move it towards the button. I'm startled by a drop of sweat that splashes as it hits the table. I wipe the sweat from my brow and run my wet fingers through my hair. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and use all the force of will in my body to push my finger down on the button.
I take another deep breath. This time accompanied by a sigh of relief because the decision is over with. The deed is done. I hold my hands behind my head, stand up still exhaling, and walk away knowing that what's done is done.
I can only hope that I made the right decision. If I haven't I won't be able to live with myself. If I have I can bask in the short-lived glory.
If only the highs were as strong as the lows. If only the bad decisions didn't sting so bad. If only knowing that I did the best I could was enough. But, it never is. The pain never goes away. But, the pain is what makes the glory feel so good.
Having made my crucial decision, I can only sit, watch, and wait. I am now helpless. I am at the mercy of things I cannot control. I can only hope. Hope with all the energy inside me. Hope that things go my way.
But, hope is not a very powerful thing when you have no control. Sometimes it isn't enough. That's when things get really hard. When the decision haunts you. When it won't let you sleep. When the thoughts of what could've been wear tracks in your brain like a five-ton dump truck doing donuts on a muddy road.
The cold sweats. The regret. The regret is what drives me. Or, at least the fear of regret. But, perhaps I have nothing to fear. Perhaps I have made the right decision. Perhaps hope wins out this time. Or maybe I didn't even need hope. Maybe some insight I've gained has led me in the right direction. But again, maybe not. That's the thrill. That's the agony. That's fantasy football.
Well...maybe only for those of us who take it a tad too seriously.